Permission

I am feeling a sense of trepidation writing this article, my heart palpitating in anticipation of being made wrong for requesting that you ask my permission first before you assume you have any right to access anything that is personal and very dear to me, which also includes my body.

As a little girl I remember getting into trouble and being called selfish because I got upset and reacted when my brothers took my things. There was such a kafuffle going on at the time where in the end all I felt was that I was a bad person for not wanting to “share”. Being called selfish stuck like glue and followed me around for a very long time.

It wasn’t until after my marriage ended and I moved into a home by myself for the first time ever did I really start to see what was behind it all, the name calling, the shaming. The space I moved into was fresh.

Apart from a couple of brief periods of less than a year with friends I had lived most of my life either in the family home or in my marital home, both instances spanning over 25 years. With this new platform to walk on in my 50’s, free of any of the footsteps taken within the confines of the family or marriage, I would have these moments where I would realise “oh, I am not like that” and being called selfish was one of them.

Living on my own gave me the opportunity and still does to get to know me and what feels true for me without having to consider anyone else.  Now, one could be called "selfish" for not considering anyone else, but is that true?

It took me a few years to come to terms with living by myself. I found it incredibly difficult to leave my marital home after separating because I had assumed my husband would come with me when we moved out of that house, and we would move on to the next stage of our lives together. I had a brief rebound relationship and having not been completely resolved within myself and my marriage, gave off the impression that I wanted to share my next home with this new man. This certainly did not feel true to me but nonetheless and looking back, not surprisingly, that is what he thought.

When I did find my new home, I would invite people to come and stay and for a little while even rented out rooms on a casual basis and each and every time something would happen to reveal how much I gave what was dear and precious to me away. 

This could be in the simplest things like how I set things out in my fridge where a guest straight away came in and reordered everything. I just stood there and watched them, feeling rendered mute.  If I said anything I felt like I would be made wrong.

What’s the big deal?

Why are you getting so upset?

Because I was already reacting, I couldn’t access how I was really feeling, what was true for me. I began to realise in each instance where I felt trampled on that I hadn’t really given myself the space to settle in my new home and was giving myself and the space away before I had set up a solid foundation without having anyone else’s influence over me.

I realise as I write “giving myself away” that that is what I did on my wedding day.  I was so wanting to rally against tradition, I didn’t have my dad give me away.   My father was such a dominating force in our home, as was my husband. It was the type of force that I either felt I had to submit to or push back, there was no in between.

What I realised, and only more recently, the reason I was getting upset was because they did not ask permission. I used to say to my husband, nearing the end of our marriage, that I felt steam rolled. I had started to submit less to the emotional and often bullying tactics without fighting back, simply expressing what felt true for me or to ask that they not speak to me in that way. When that force would come back at me, I was able to express how I felt completely run over, flattened to the ground, simply because I was setting boundaries and standards.

Living on my own and lovingly setting up the space with such a gorgeous sense of flow has been such a healing process for me, particularly after having been diagnosed with vulva lichen sclerosis many years before. Living in this new space with this condition has given me the opportunity to stop and feel more, the delicacy, not only of this part of my body but within my whole body and being. I no longer need to play the game of submitting or fighting back if I am feeling imposed upon and am now feel more confident to be okay with setting boundaries and standards.

Having this space on my own has supported me to fall more deeply in love with the essence of who I truly am and discover that it is not selfish for me to honour the things I treasure, that are sacred to me and hold very dear to my precious heart.