In Your Absence

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder” is a well-versed phrase.  But is it true?

Saying that we miss something in its absence gives us a big clue that we were aware of whatever we are feeling the absence of while it was present, all we were doing was denying its very presence in the moment.

There are so many examples of this in life and I am sure you have a treasure trove of experiences where you have only missed something when it is gone.  A loved one, when they are no longer there in your present existence for whatever reason but also it can come when we get ill and realise we have missed so many opportunities to embrace life.

How often do we not acknowledge the presence of wisdom of someone in their home town. Not until it is recognised outside of that environment do we perhaps start to acknowledge it and missed appreciating what was on offer when perhaps there was an easier access to it. How often are these masters ousted from their settlement to find refuge elsewhere or suppressed.

But don’t we do this to ourselves first? How often do we rely on being accepted outside, from others, from our family, friends, colleagues? It can be heart-breaking, well seemingly so when we rely on that outer source to sustain us, to fulfill our desire to be recognised and accepted.

Missing something when it is gone really does expose that we knew and were aware of whatever it was when it presented, but it became a part of the furniture, something that was just there every day.

“I miss you honey can seem like a compliment, “Awww, thanks, I knew you loved me". As a friend pointed out when their wife said this to them not 5 minutes after they got into the car and drove away for a weekend with friends. He said, “Well how about appreciating me when I am actually in your presence?" Boom! Now that is getting closer to the truth.

It never made any sense to me how people feel obligated to turn up to someone’s funeral after they are gone but maybe hadn’t seen this person for a long time. Or, even if they had had regular contact, it was not until they were gone and in front of an audience do they express how much that person means to them.  We appreciate their qualities and express them then.  If only they knew then, back when you were living life with them, what a difference that may have made to the relationship. Perhaps there would not have been quite so many issues or long held resentments.

Mind you, a lot of resentments can also surface at the ending of a relationship or when we are not with that person.  We may vent them or not.  I could certainly feel that at my Dad’s funeral but people were willing to let them go to get through the process but the hurts had not been healed. All those past hurts build up and turn into all sorts of behaviours that then turn us in on ourselves and others, keeping us separate, attacking often the very thing we say we love.

I have also seen this play out with my body.  I have a dis-ease called lichen sclerosis, an auto-immune condition (where the body attacks itself) that affects the vulva skin to a point where the labia fuses and merges back into the body.  This has been a case of missing something when it is gone for sure.  I have never paid so much attention to this part of the body until I was diagnosed, until a potential death sentence was announced, which is what happens when the word ‘cancer’ is mentioned.

Otherwise, I have been quite dismissive of it. It is a very easy part of the body to ignore because it is rarely talked about unless in derogatory terms. Like having a period and any other bodily function “down there” they are considered a curse and curse them we do.

How many times did I curse having a period? The inconvenience of it intervening in my active life. I was quite keen to control it like my girlfriends with the pill, even though I didn’t have a sexual partner at the time. When I first got my period, I had this overwhelming sense that this was going to ruin my life for the next 40 years. There was certainly no appreciation for what my cycle was going to offer me over that period.

I didn’t appreciate the delicateness of my vulva and acknowledge any pain I was feeling. As a little girl I was probably more expressive about it. Not that I recall but I must of said something to my mother as she taught me that to support the symptoms I was feeling, what we thought was thrush at the time, it was a good idea to sleep without any underwear on to air that part of the body out and to wear breathable cotton underwear. 

Both very practical guidelines to support the health of that part of the body but there were no guidelines to appreciate its delicateness and to deeply honour that part of the body.  It was all so very functional – what to eat, drink, wear to support the body; the sensitivity was to be put to the side.

It wasn’t until the absence, the disappearance of the labia did I start to take note of the neglect, the abstinence from connecting to its delicateness, its sensitivity.  It was all too easy to accept the pain as normal.  It was my every day and still can be until I pay attention and tend to it and appreciate it.

Like any relationship, missing it when it is absent is a big wake up call to pay attention to the detail, and be present with the body and the ones we say we love.

There is really no reason to abstain from expressing all that we feel.  It may seem overwhelming and easier to shut down.  It can seem so complicated with all the steps we have taken to not feel our delicateness, our tenderness because we have not tended to it when there was a seemingly minute sense that something did not feel true.

We are the masters of wisdom, love and intelligence, all of us and our bodies are key in communicating this to us.  We have not given it a voice, but it communicates clearly through our bodily symptoms.  For me, it has been particularly the vulva, vagina and my heart. 

These three areas are significant, not only with our intimate partner but how we are with ourselves. Being connected to these three parts of the body are key in expressing how we are feeling, what we are feeling. For instance, it has become so obvious how restricted we are in terms of what it means to be intimate with another person - a romantic partner. I can see now there are so many impositions placed on us in the area of love making, so many conditions, expectations, so many pictures to compare ourselves to, that can make us feel less or have an inflated view of ourselves. Without the humility that the body offers us, often experienced when we are ill, there is no space to truly connect and honour what resonates with us deeply in our heart and that is to truly honour our sensitivity and express it with each other, particularly in our most intimate relationships.