Pain

One of the things that has been an overarching pain to feel is the state of play in our relationships with each other. Often something I have referred to as the Punch & Judy show. Long before the punch is registered physically, like any pain in the body, my heart is feeling way more, long before any emotional abuse. The pain of shutting down my heart to what it is feeling is far worse than any physical outplay thereafter. This is where I got lost in looking for relief or denying what I felt before any emotions kicked in and any subsequent physical pain.

With having lichen sclerosis, a condition that causes pain in the vulva, I started to wonder - when we have pain, what is the body communicating to us? So in my case, if pain is the end result of a much deeper pain then what for example has my vulva been trying to communicate to me all along? The vulva is one of the most sensitive external parts of the body that we are not taught to connect to and feel from the time we are little girls.

From having this condition of lichen sclerosis, I have learned to connect more to my body and in doing so realised how much I lacked feeling connected to it. For instance, I have been doing pelvic floor physiotherapy (PT) and have been learning to connect and feel my pelvic floor, including the vulva, the area where the lichen sclerosis pain is, not solely on its own but also as a part of my whole body. When I walk now I can feel this area move with the whole body, the pelvic floor, my heart, my hips, my shoulders, all moving together as one and not as a separate part to shut down and ignore.

My vulva was something I had disconnected from feeling because it has been very painful to feel. It wasn’t that I couldn’t feel the pain anymore, it was there pushed into the background as I simply got on with my life. All very functional.

There have been so many impositions placed in this part of the body that have been laced with a lot of shame and a lot of pain and suffering. These pelvic floor therapy classes have been completely free of anyone touching this part of the body, examining it and trying to get it to release and instead have involved being given the space to feel, to feel the delicacy and sensitivity of this particular part of the body which has connected me more to the depth of sensitivity I have always felt as a little girl but denied and therefore shut down.

Right from the time I was a little girl I experienced pain in the vulva area but it was something I kind of innately knew not to talk about … Shhh 🤫

Since having been diagnosed with this auto immune condition called lichen sclerosis I have learnt to be more comfortable with discussing the vulva, firstly in support groups but also more amongst friends in my social circles. I firstly had to get over the feelings of shame and embarrassment which I sought support with.

One of the things I found interesting was in one instance when I was sharing openly about my condition with a couple of women we were Shushed to stop talking about the vulva when one of the women’s two daughters came up to the table - end of conversation. It was interesting to observe it happen so quickly without any real thought by the mother, it seemed like an automatic response. Why wouldn’t they be allowed to be privy to a few women discussing this most intimate part of their bodies that they also have?

I remember as a young girl being very aware of this part of the body and the sensations I was feeling but not really having anyone to talk to about it. I obviously spoke with my mother about the thrush I had at that the time, as she gave me instructions that I needed to wear cotton underwear and sleep without underwear at night to support the skin to breath but there wasn’t any further discussion about how I was feeling or what I was feeling. I could feel she was uncomfortable about this part of the body also so I learnt from quite young to not talk about it and mostly feel ashamed or embarrassed, something I saw play out in that moment with my friend and her girls was passed on generation after generation.

What a shame. There was and is so much wisdom we all miss out on by not talking about this most exquisite and beautiful part of our anatomy. The vulva expresses and lets us know so much if we pay attention and feel the fullness of this body part in its delicacy, sweetness, joy, and preciousness.